Please Dont Take my sunshine away….


How losing my mind made me lose my life
This has been the most regretful year of my life and its not even over yet. I am only writing this out to save others from what has happened to me, happening to them. I am not prepared for my own mother to read this, she doesn’t even know the full story yet; but I am going to write it as if, I were writing to her.
It all started when I hit the end of my Saturian cycle, right when I turned 28, I am a little bit ahead of most folks, but hey we are always learning right? I had finally accepted who I was as a child, what I had been to be who I am as a child and even started to embrace her a bit more with singing with my son more often than I knew. I am not sure as to the biological cause of what happened to my brain, but I started to lose it, like physcho bitch, screaming and basically lost my mind. I didn’t like it, I hated my panic attack cycles and I thought it was a bipolar attack from hell, but after a few times of it happening and being so uncontrollable, I could break things accidentally just flinging my body around, it was almost like I was possessed. We tried to figure it out, and I was better minded when we filtered our water better, but as soon as our water filters and shower filter broke, it was about the same time things started to go downhill for me. I am not saying that hard water will make you crazy, but I am sure that it did not help me feel better any.
So I had a few very “loud” panic attacks, possessed screaming to the point of even leaving the house for hours to calm down.
The first time in April that the cops were called to the house for my ‘disturbance’ I told them my story of actually finally asking for meds which I did in March and not having an appointment to receive them until May 30. They just made sure I was calm and moved on. They had to detain me for a 51/50 on one of the calls in April and I was lucky enough to have Redwood Crisis Center discharge me to my family after 6 hours the first time. After that I was not so lucky.
On june 16th, the police came to my apartment for a ‘disturbance’ from me again, this time I had lost my meds for a few days and I was kind of panicky because we just got served an eviction notice for me having the police presence at the building at all. I displayed enough aggravation to be taken for a 3 day bed hold 51/50 without but one phone call for 3 days and no going outside, constant sedation and observation. And the worse part of the story is here, when I was taken to the hospital that day, my husband who is also deaf, witnessed them take me and so did my son, all in which were in a upset. The police decided that my husband was too distraught to take care of our son and called CPS to come over to the scene. Without warrant they came into my house, took pictures and took our son from my husband. He lost us both in one day, within minutes of each other.
I thank god was not housed in a physch facility and I am able to fight for our son back from cps with my husband, but now court system is dragging out our case for ‘summer vacations’ of judges, among other excuses. my son has been in foster care since June 16th, I have done nothing but everything CPS has wanted from me.
Thank God my husband knew who to call to get me out of the 51/50 hold, the crisis workers that have been with me since those days, are the only reason we have a little bit of hope at all. Everyone else in town doesn’t want to follow through with community services that we have signed up for to help us out of this situation. I know there must be a positive to this story, so after begging since February I got medication startup treatment plan by June, and only now in July am getting used to the medication. I do feel like my cycles are better since the meds, but I feel like my symptoms were a lot metaphysical as well, we were internally fighting to get outta a toxic building and low, even though it comes through a form of an eviction at least I am out of that toxic environment. I have not typed, aka, written anything in over a year, and to finally hear the blog strokes of the pounding keyboard even without posting, makes me feel more like myself.
For all its worth if you did read this here is a list of things not to do if your ever in my situation.

  • Be upset around a police officer
  • threaten to hurt yourself or others in front of an officer
  • never let CPS into your home without a warrant
  • When someone calls the cops on you, be there for them when they arrive to prove them wrong
    any interaction you have with Cops or CPS should be recorded by you (secretly) its your right
  • You should know your parental rights and what CPS is allowed to do by law, before you sign or agree to anything
  • Keep up to date documentation on every interaction you have with them, they are doing the same for you in a criminal ‘guilt first ask questions later manner’ so document what they tell you and promise before those promises are unkept because no one documented the conversation.
  • Be Proactive in your case, for the first week or two of our case we were so proactive to do anything to prove the allegations against our parenthood is wrong, do everything you can to fight for your child, if he is taken
  • Be in constant contact with social workers and public defender lawyers, as parents we are used to knowing our small child’s every move and where they go, make sure they are under safe care and let your public defender know if you feel you cannot communicate with your social worker.
  • Never ask for help from a facility without a success rate and an attitude against you.
  • When you find genuine help, hold on to it and treat it right, it may be the only help you will have.

Here are some of my personal coping tools I have leaned over the last couple months to curb my manic attitude and not be so crazy.
Do one thing a day for yourself
Do one thing a day to ground yourself-aka be creative
Look at the sky-beach-trees meditation
Take a shower bath and use organic bath products to treat myself
do some art work or herbalist infusions\
Read a book
Take a walk
Lay down and try to calm your breath and lay still for 2 minutes.
Pet the dog
have some tea
be creative in any way
collect beautiful things ( i have gemstones, beach rocks etc.)
————-Edit Additional Chapter to the madness—-
It’s now October and I still do not have my son back, my life is the hardest that it has ever been for me since before my son was born. Before he was born we were homeless, and now we are in the same situation again, this time having lived a long time 7 years with a functional home and family, being homeless is even harder. I had to give up my dog to be in a homeless shelter to the animal shelter and thank god they are taking care of him well while we try to find a place. I have a line on a place to move now finally in Oct, but my life is more upside down then it has ever been before.

I am living in a sober living environment homeless shelter, I am unable to sleep with my husband, share a room with him or anything, mere touch from him, is like a breathing for me, and now its a limited thing, I have more people to deal with on a daily basis, that triggers my mental health more than my previous toxic environment did. but now that i am on daily meds and I am in a clean house, I don’t feel like i am ever possessed and on the verge of psychotic. My family has been torn apart from me, my life is in shambles, my possessions are stored all over town at friends houses and I am only allowed a small amount of things here at the shelter.
If I ever get my life back in order, I will never take advantage of the fact of having a place to live and having my family with me, in fact right now, it’s the only thing i want in life, just a place to live and my family back. I am more depressed than I have ever been in my life, but the medication seems to help me not get too low or too high, ie manage the manic cycles better. We have a court date at the end of October and I need all the prayers and blessings and angels help to have my family back together.

We have done everything and more for CPS and we are more than good parents to our son, we only receive one 15 minute phone call a night with him in foster care and only get to see him 2 hours a week. I am dying inside, and he is growing up so fast without us, Growing into his independency, without his parents to guide him. and he is only 7, he is so smart that he displays traits of a 12-13 year old already and I forever lost my little boy,..both by his growing up so fast and going through this case; when I get him back he is going to be so mature and smart that it may take some time to bond with him again, but i want to find that boy who sang with me, walked with me, identified flowers with me..and watched old cartoons with. If I ever have the chance to find my baby boy again in all this chaos, I will thank god forever. I pray my story helps someone out there, but writing it out was therapeutic for me, documenting it, just knowing it’s not a nightmare, no this is real, and could happen to anyone.

Succumbing to the reality is all to real…


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