Burning My Memories Away….

My shower today at the homeless shelter reminded me of Walker Creek Ranch. Inspired by re-reading Anne Rice’s amazing, prolific, and utterly descriptive writing of the third legend of the Mayfair witches “Taltos”, made me want to write my mind vomit. And the straight wittiness, conviction, drive;technological knowledge, and gall of its main character “Mona Mayfair”, gave me the confidence to put my fingers to the keyboard tonight.

Now that I am comfy into a paragraph, sat up; by shoving my belongings under my shelter bed pillow, propping myself up to write a novel at my surface pro, I can really get into my reason for actually starting to write. Its Walker creek Ranch that has made me want to spill my heart, it was there I learned how to take a 3 minute shower. I took a 1 week field trip, my first overnight in elementary school, to Walker Creek Ranch. I think I was in fourth grade then. Taking a shower was supposed to be 3 minutes, and I learned how to wash my whole body, dry off and be done by then as to not be in a big locker room for too long exposed to the other girls. Even with bathing suits, it was embarrassing in the 4th grade for me, but that really isn’t even why I am writing about the Ranch, yet it was the reason tonight that made me remember it so well. I am actually writing about it because that is where I fell in love with nature, the world and studying trees, herbs and identifying things around me.

I found my field study book, we had to complete for credit for the field trip not too far back, when I was going through all my things and packing my house, getting evicted, sorting and loving the fact that over my small lifespan of 27 years, and homeless before; that I somehow was able to save that memento. I was proud to look at all my field drawings and writings; learned in the fourth grade, as now I am an herbalist and all those lessons are priceless to me; as it was all in the Field. It was such a beautiful place, we drove around in different parts of the park, learned how to identify paw marks in the dirt; from a racoon to a bobcat, and even found a baby snake one day on the path; when we stopped for lunch on the property.


These memories are more than priceless to me; learning how to identify paw prints, feeling the cold of the manzanita bark and them telling us, its the “refrigerator tree.” Now that I am a herbalist, I cherish that time in the trip when we stuck our hands in boxes not knowing what was inside and feeling all the different feathers of the animals and fur, and knowing it all by sensory imput. I remember loving Walker Creek Ranch for its beauty, its animals, its pure Wildness and Wonder. I loved that place, I dont think I will ever forget our “night hike”, and the field guides giving the whole class mint lifesavers and telling us to chew them up real fast together and make sparks in your mouth. My husband doesn’t even believe that story, but we did it. I remember it all so fondly. I was also blessed to go Safari West both in Elementary school, once with my 6th grade and also as a Freshman in High School for a field trip, on entirely different but equal reasons.

At Safari West they take you on Animal Tours like in a real Safari. In Elementary school we drove in Safari Jeeps, and looked at wild animals; giraffes, hippos, Monkeys, and Lots of exotic tropical birds in a great large glass bird house. It was a another fascinating field trip to study nature and look at all the amazing safari ‘Wilds’. I really enjoyed that trip, I have found all my photos of the trip as well, all animal shots, and only one of the whole class looking at the boa constrictor on site. Burned into my memory forever, this field trip, along with Walker Creek Ranch and again in High School.

As a freshman I went there with ArtQuest, Santa Rosa High Schools Elite Art Program for the more ‘gifted’ art students. I went there to draw the animals. I went their to study form and feathers and weight, and went there for the sole purpose to draw them. I spent a lot of time at the sloth exhibit. I fell in love with the way the three-toed things looked like monkeys but moved like snails, they were easy to draw since they did not move very fast. I remember they let the revered cheetah out for our class to draw and pranced him around in a circle on a leash for about 10 minutes for a quick draw, it was magical. I was so happy to be there again, this time to really revel in the beauty of the place, to study the way the animals looked to be in a Wild Safari once again. These field trips are burned in my memory forever, chronicled in my field journal from 4th grade, embossed into my sketchbook from freshman year; and now the whole ranch is wiped out forever.


I can hardly believe it, I don’t live there anymore, in Sonoma County; but I am more than affected by the Tubbs wildfire. It wiped out Safari West. I read it all in the news, the owner having to choose between saving his house, or saving all the animals on the property. He saved the animals, but the fire took out his house. Its devastating to hear the place that I fell in love with the world with, fell in love with nature with; was obliterated by such an awful event. I am lovingly never going to rid of my field journal, my animal photos, my sketches; as now they are all history; history of what was.

I am more than affected by the loss of my childhood neighborhood; Mark West Elementary Proud, I am. But I am sure that my old school is gone, just as burnt as Safari West. I feel like I am older now, going through a loss like this; of memory, of sensory touch, smell and kinetics; that I will never be able to feel again. So many memory’s in the place that the fire started and destroyed I can’t even explain it all in one blog. I have a hole in my heart for the loss, it’s a weird feeling. Like loosing all your belongings; which I have done before, like the things that bound you to the earth have been unhooked. Freedom of attachment; as the attachment is actually cut off and can never be touched again.

I have only had one death in my immediate family; yet I didn’t feel empty as I do now; void of roots. My school meant so much to me as a child. I spent kindergarten through 6th grade there with the same children. We all went to the same elementary, some went to my junior high and some even went to Santa Rosa High School. I even have a few friends from my same elementary class, on my Facebook now; who would probably remember most of the Walker Creek Ranch field trip, and Safari West as well. I wonder if they feel the same way as I do; I wonder if we’re all feeling void and empty; now that our memory was burned to ashes.

Funny how taking a 3 minute shower, pulled a whole blog outta me; damn Anne Rice. Now to get back to “Taltos.”


Please Dont Take my sunshine away….


How losing my mind made me lose my life
This has been the most regretful year of my life and its not even over yet. I am only writing this out to save others from what has happened to me, happening to them. I am not prepared for my own mother to read this, she doesn’t even know the full story yet; but I am going to write it as if, I were writing to her.
It all started when I hit the end of my Saturian cycle, right when I turned 28, I am a little bit ahead of most folks, but hey we are always learning right? I had finally accepted who I was as a child, what I had been to be who I am as a child and even started to embrace her a bit more with singing with my son more often than I knew. I am not sure as to the biological cause of what happened to my brain, but I started to lose it, like physcho bitch, screaming and basically lost my mind. I didn’t like it, I hated my panic attack cycles and I thought it was a bipolar attack from hell, but after a few times of it happening and being so uncontrollable, I could break things accidentally just flinging my body around, it was almost like I was possessed. We tried to figure it out, and I was better minded when we filtered our water better, but as soon as our water filters and shower filter broke, it was about the same time things started to go downhill for me. I am not saying that hard water will make you crazy, but I am sure that it did not help me feel better any.
So I had a few very “loud” panic attacks, possessed screaming to the point of even leaving the house for hours to calm down.
The first time in April that the cops were called to the house for my ‘disturbance’ I told them my story of actually finally asking for meds which I did in March and not having an appointment to receive them until May 30. They just made sure I was calm and moved on. They had to detain me for a 51/50 on one of the calls in April and I was lucky enough to have Redwood Crisis Center discharge me to my family after 6 hours the first time. After that I was not so lucky.
On june 16th, the police came to my apartment for a ‘disturbance’ from me again, this time I had lost my meds for a few days and I was kind of panicky because we just got served an eviction notice for me having the police presence at the building at all. I displayed enough aggravation to be taken for a 3 day bed hold 51/50 without but one phone call for 3 days and no going outside, constant sedation and observation. And the worse part of the story is here, when I was taken to the hospital that day, my husband who is also deaf, witnessed them take me and so did my son, all in which were in a upset. The police decided that my husband was too distraught to take care of our son and called CPS to come over to the scene. Without warrant they came into my house, took pictures and took our son from my husband. He lost us both in one day, within minutes of each other.
I thank god was not housed in a physch facility and I am able to fight for our son back from cps with my husband, but now court system is dragging out our case for ‘summer vacations’ of judges, among other excuses. my son has been in foster care since June 16th, I have done nothing but everything CPS has wanted from me.
Thank God my husband knew who to call to get me out of the 51/50 hold, the crisis workers that have been with me since those days, are the only reason we have a little bit of hope at all. Everyone else in town doesn’t want to follow through with community services that we have signed up for to help us out of this situation. I know there must be a positive to this story, so after begging since February I got medication startup treatment plan by June, and only now in July am getting used to the medication. I do feel like my cycles are better since the meds, but I feel like my symptoms were a lot metaphysical as well, we were internally fighting to get outta a toxic building and low, even though it comes through a form of an eviction at least I am out of that toxic environment. I have not typed, aka, written anything in over a year, and to finally hear the blog strokes of the pounding keyboard even without posting, makes me feel more like myself.
For all its worth if you did read this here is a list of things not to do if your ever in my situation.

  • Be upset around a police officer
  • threaten to hurt yourself or others in front of an officer
  • never let CPS into your home without a warrant
  • When someone calls the cops on you, be there for them when they arrive to prove them wrong
    any interaction you have with Cops or CPS should be recorded by you (secretly) its your right
  • You should know your parental rights and what CPS is allowed to do by law, before you sign or agree to anything
  • Keep up to date documentation on every interaction you have with them, they are doing the same for you in a criminal ‘guilt first ask questions later manner’ so document what they tell you and promise before those promises are unkept because no one documented the conversation.
  • Be Proactive in your case, for the first week or two of our case we were so proactive to do anything to prove the allegations against our parenthood is wrong, do everything you can to fight for your child, if he is taken
  • Be in constant contact with social workers and public defender lawyers, as parents we are used to knowing our small child’s every move and where they go, make sure they are under safe care and let your public defender know if you feel you cannot communicate with your social worker.
  • Never ask for help from a facility without a success rate and an attitude against you.
  • When you find genuine help, hold on to it and treat it right, it may be the only help you will have.

Here are some of my personal coping tools I have leaned over the last couple months to curb my manic attitude and not be so crazy.
Do one thing a day for yourself
Do one thing a day to ground yourself-aka be creative
Look at the sky-beach-trees meditation
Take a shower bath and use organic bath products to treat myself
do some art work or herbalist infusions\
Read a book
Take a walk
Lay down and try to calm your breath and lay still for 2 minutes.
Pet the dog
have some tea
be creative in any way
collect beautiful things ( i have gemstones, beach rocks etc.)
————-Edit Additional Chapter to the madness—-
It’s now October and I still do not have my son back, my life is the hardest that it has ever been for me since before my son was born. Before he was born we were homeless, and now we are in the same situation again, this time having lived a long time 7 years with a functional home and family, being homeless is even harder. I had to give up my dog to be in a homeless shelter to the animal shelter and thank god they are taking care of him well while we try to find a place. I have a line on a place to move now finally in Oct, but my life is more upside down then it has ever been before.

I am living in a sober living environment homeless shelter, I am unable to sleep with my husband, share a room with him or anything, mere touch from him, is like a breathing for me, and now its a limited thing, I have more people to deal with on a daily basis, that triggers my mental health more than my previous toxic environment did. but now that i am on daily meds and I am in a clean house, I don’t feel like i am ever possessed and on the verge of psychotic. My family has been torn apart from me, my life is in shambles, my possessions are stored all over town at friends houses and I am only allowed a small amount of things here at the shelter.
If I ever get my life back in order, I will never take advantage of the fact of having a place to live and having my family with me, in fact right now, it’s the only thing i want in life, just a place to live and my family back. I am more depressed than I have ever been in my life, but the medication seems to help me not get too low or too high, ie manage the manic cycles better. We have a court date at the end of October and I need all the prayers and blessings and angels help to have my family back together.

We have done everything and more for CPS and we are more than good parents to our son, we only receive one 15 minute phone call a night with him in foster care and only get to see him 2 hours a week. I am dying inside, and he is growing up so fast without us, Growing into his independency, without his parents to guide him. and he is only 7, he is so smart that he displays traits of a 12-13 year old already and I forever lost my little boy,..both by his growing up so fast and going through this case; when I get him back he is going to be so mature and smart that it may take some time to bond with him again, but i want to find that boy who sang with me, walked with me, identified flowers with me..and watched old cartoons with. If I ever have the chance to find my baby boy again in all this chaos, I will thank god forever. I pray my story helps someone out there, but writing it out was therapeutic for me, documenting it, just knowing it’s not a nightmare, no this is real, and could happen to anyone.

Succumbing to the reality is all to real… https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/succumb/

Pain Patches and Supplements

Just seconds after hitting the publish button on my latest fibromalgia article, I realized that I forgot a whole section of treatment.

Here is a link to that article :


I am currently in this mode of treatment myself and I am still exploring the options for both supplements and Transdermal pain patches, so this is in no way a complete list of all the Fibromalgia options for both. This list is merely my own that I have come up with in the last few weeks for reason of helping my own pain and combating my own symptoms.

I have not completely finished compiling this list and I am adding to it each day, and only trying to find the highest potency.

Pain Patches aka Herbal Transdermal Medicine

Wholistic patches:

CBD patches:

10 mg




Chinese Patches aka Pastes





Pain/Joint Supplement-Drink links





Best Joint Support Vitamins for 2016 — Healthy Joints and Bones

here is a link to the supplement I already take for my pain;


can also be found in powder form here;




Calcium and D supplements-Drinks



Enzyme and Probiotic Support Drinks


Alternative Modes of Treatment for Fibro and (DGS) Piriformis/Sciatica Pain

Today I am going to write about alternative modes of therapy for back and buttocks pain, also referred to as Fibromalgia and sciatica pain. I will explain some symptoms and treatments.

I am not a doctor, I am not trying to play one on the internet. I am only finding useful information ie, tools and links explaining the things that have happened to my body and pain I go through on a daily basis. I am only sharing this information for two purposes, to organize the links that I have found and to help anyone else that suffers the same pain that I do.

I am not certified as anything. I am only a really good internet searcher and have dedicated the last 3 weeks to finding out what was happening in my body and thankfully saved as many links as I could. Now that my bookmarks are flooded with medical journals and things, I need to clear it out and categorize everything. As most of these alternative modes are new to me, I cannot review them individually.

This post is purely informational and not opinion on these modes of therapy. I have no idea what any of these modes feel like or cost in a doctors office, which is why most of these modes of therapy I have found a home unit that is portable for. Not saying that I am going to go out and shock myself without studying how to do it, but the portable machines are affordable and cheaper then some medical procedures such as back surgery.

I am not under the care of a pain doctor right now, and I have used medical treatments in the past, like trigger point injections and chiropractic work to manage my pain. Since I do not have either one of those treatments available right now, I am researching alternative modes of reconstructing my back and managing my Fibromalgia and sciatica pain. I should also note that I have the cheapest home TENS unit and it seems to work well to block the pain, that is why there is more TENS links then the other treatments. I have written only a little about my pain, but it is a huge part of my life.

Here is some basic information on Fibromalgia, after that I will explain the sciatica nerve pain.



First off, here is an explanation for increased pain in the hip region and pelvic area. I have been experiencing severe sciatica pain that is caught up in the buttocks muscles and shoots down my legs, most people would say this as sciatica pain, but with a few more symptoms involved like pain when getting up and down and pain when sitting down, it can be seen as Piriformis Syndrome.

Here are some definitive links on Piriformis Syndrome. Also called DGS (Deep Gluteal Syndrome),these are the links that I have saved because they have the most information.




This next article in particular will explain it if you need good pictures to see.


Here are some symptoms of Piriformis Sydrome.


Here are some alternative resources for treatments for both Fibromalgia and Piriformis Syndrome. I will include alternative home machines later. Some of the links will be doubles as they have both symptom and treatment information.




Here are some more informational and product links on individual therapies.

I would myself like to try them in the order listed from top to bottom until one treatment will work. I hope I do not have to go all the way down the list to feel better.

Alternative modes of Treatment; Fibromalgia with Piriformis Syndrome

Wholistic treatment;



Physical therapy aka stretches





Heat therapy


Ultrasound aka high frequency sound waves


Light-Laser therapy


Electrotherapy, aka Shockwave



This next link is very informational if you need to understand all the modes of shock therapy;


-Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation (TENS)60-200 Hz





Devices I am sharing are all different but some combine all 4 modes of therapy or more

Do note that the large medical grade units are over 4,000$ in the USA and less in other countries.

I have tried to find units that cover every electrotherapy mode, that are not 4,000, easy to read and use on yourself at home.

Here are some affordable links for multi-use electrotherapy home units;








I think from them all I like the look of this one the best:


the 4,000 $ units are here btw.


Again, I do not know much about these units except what I have learned on the internet, but I do know how long it took me to find them, and honestly I would hope that no one would ever have to search as long as I did, so I am glad I could put them together.

I am also going to share some images that I have found to be really helpful in locating some of the symptoms in those beginning links.

If you click them you can enlarge them.

06-4 Radiculopathy spinal-nerve-distribution-s


If all that was too scientific here is a small short youtube video from the PiriStretch company that explains a whole lot.


Introduction to my Herbal Education

My personal experience with herbs is exactly that, personal. I hesitate to share my experience with what I have learned and tried because everybody’s experience could be different than mine. I have a very high tolerance for some herbs, like say; a cup of chamomile tea for me, doesn’t do much in way of calming me down, but adding more ingredients to it seems to do the trick. Although for some chamomile tea could be all they could need to have a better nights sleep.

So in no way in any form am I a certified doctor or herbalist yet,nor am I in any way qualified to diagnose or prescribe anything; I have just some experience with some herbs and so much experience that I need to write it all down in a organized fashion to remember it all.

That saying some herbs in my opinion are mild and some are extreme. I have used them for different things for myself for many years and am now confident in herbs enough to have my family be healed by them as well. I have only a limited handful of experience with herbs and am no way educated in the wide realm of them all and all their many uses.

I have studied western herbal medicine for only about 5 years along with being a mother and a wife and trying to be healthy in both. I have realized that food is powerful medicine and herbs are powerful medicine as well. I have shifted my families eating practices for the last 5 ½ years in the more organic and fresh direction and at the same time come to realize that everything we do and put into our bodies affects it.

That being said in the same amount of time that I have shifted our eating I have tried to make my family healthy by giving them food and herbs that would make us healthier people. I actually have been working with fresh herbs from the farmers market like burdock root, nettles, lemon balm and sorrel since 2012. I am glad to say that I am returning to trying to always have herbal remedies on hand and in a more involved way now that I am becoming more educated in herbs.

I have been making tea brew since then as well. I have started a goal of making a great sleepytime brew for myself since 2012 and have been adding ingredients to it ever since. I have chronic insomnia and only recently have asked big pharma doctors with help with it. I have been combating my insomnia with herbs for about 6 years, and glad to say that I now always have the best and strongest herbal medicine on hand to combat it.

Ever since I had my son 6 years ago, I have been working on more transdermal medicine aka salves, learning about how to heal his toddler excema naturally was my goal and we combated it with homemade salve from flowers and leaves that we grew ourselves. Ever since I have been making my own herbal salves and they all have different uses.

I have posted previous blogs on how to  make herbal salves here.




I also have chronic back pain, inflammation, and nerve problems so I have been using herbs to combat those problems as well.

Most recently I have enrolled in an online herbal remedies course from my online wellness idol, @wellnessmama and I am very happy to have more recipes for my home apothocary coming from her as well. I like adding my favorite herbs to her recipes and reading about how other home herbalist make things as well.

Here is a picture of the Herbal books I have studied over the last 6-8 years, I have absorbed so much information that it is really hard to catalog everything I have learned into only 1-2 blogs, I am sure I will have to write several blogs to share all the things I have learned about certain remedies and solutions to things, but to start I will start a list here of the herbs I have alot-little experience with and the ones I am learning about now.


In the last couple weeks I have also been trying to combat my husbands chronic asthma and my sons chronic constipation, so I have little experience those herbs but I am learning more each day.

Herbs for Insomnia:

Chamomile (mild)

Passion Flower (mild)

Skullcap (strong)

Valerian (extreme)

Kava kava (extreme)

Lemon balm (mild)

Herbs for Inflammation

Turmeric (mild-strong depending on dose)

White Willow Bark (mild-strong depending on dose)

Bosweilla (strong)

cayanne pepper (strong depending on dose)

Arnica (mild to strong depending on dose)

Calendula (mild)

Herbs for Nerve pain

Kava Kava (extreme)

Skullcap (mild)

Herbs for Lung help

Lobelia (strong)

Mullien (strong)

Elcampane (mild)

Herbs for constipation

Slippery Elm (mild)

Marshmallow Root(mild to strong)

Psyllium Husk( strong)

Here are my other blogs on herbs that I have written so far.





I have only begun to be working with the lung and the tummy herbs, although my experience dealing with my pain and sleep issues I have been working on for a while. I will work on maybe sharing my favorite combination of sleepytime herbs in tea form as soon as possible, either in sharing the recipe or selling bags of combination teas myself.

I am now making progress in making Aqua Medica aka medicine water, aka stronger tea infusions for both my family and I for our ailments. I will continue to try and document what works and what doesn’t. I have come to find that small doses of Lobelia for my husbands asthma has begun to help him more then his prescription abuteral inhaler.


I am still working on making some constipation infusions for the family as well. This is only the start to a healthy herbal assisted life.

NaPoWriMo Day 6 “Food”

Definition of Food: Edible or potable substance (usually of animal or plant origin), consisting of nourishing and nutritive components such as carbohydrates, fats, proteins, essential mineral and vitamins, which (when ingested and assimilated through digestion) sustains life, generates energy, and provides growth, maintenance, and health of the body.

But Food is so much more then that..

Food is life,

Food is confidence,

Food is substance,

Food is community,

Food is Love.

I love Food so much, that I dedicated a whole blog with the intent of always writing about food. I only recently started to write more creative writing and poetry, but I still made this website for food.

I never knew how much food would change me,

learning about farm to table from the farmers at the market,

and cooking and learning vegetables from the hands that grew them,

I am blessed to be educated about food from the farmers market, so I am forever endowed to the farmers in Sebastopol from the years 2010-2013, I love each and every one of them.

And the bakers, the cosmic cookie jar, if you ever read this; You inspired me to bake more. I was so addicted to your baked goods each week that now, I bake almost every weekend.

I love farmers markets now, and I have a new appreciation for all kinds of raw food and even farmers that make the food from the market.

I loved learning from the farmers each week and it inspires me to eat better now and more fresh. It even inspires me to get to know the farmers in my new neighborhood of Mendocino county.

I love Food so much that I cannot express the WORTH, it has made me feel, the confidence you get in the kitchen learning is the best confidence ever, and you get rewarded with food that you made yourself. I am self taught and I hate messing up, but with every mistake, I am learning how to cook and prepare food more.

Since only self teaching myself how to cook in 2 years, I have learned how to make the following things without a recipe book not in front of me; Muffins of any kind, biscuits-both yeast and soda kind, yeast bread,pizza dough, salsa, slow cooked meats, and even angel hair pasta.

Here is a photo of a regular pasta night aka tonights dinner prep;

making angel hair pasta
making angel hair pasta

I LOVE FOOD. sorry, but I do..

How do you feel about it?!

I am sorry this isn’t a poem….


Contrast aka my Dream Kitchen

As an artist, I am very familiar with contrast. I use contrast in my art all the time and make sure that all the colors are balanced in composition and contrast.

Here is a color wheel.

color wheel
color wheel

My favorite contrast colors are yellow and purple, I would love to have a yellow and purple kitchen.

My dream kitchen has yellow walls and purple cabinets, I found a few pictures of what I mean here…


Purple-and-Yellow-Kitchen Purple-Kitchen-interior-design-Contemporary-kitchen-design-2014-7 purple-and-yellow-kitchen (1)

Contrasting colors make things pop better, I love contrast.


If we were having coffee… Wk 1

Sitting down this Sunday afternoon, thinking about the weekend writing challenge. Also just realized that national poetry writing month aka NaPoWriMo, started this month. So I am eager to start some poetry for that as well. I am thinking the best way to approach this weekend coffee challenge is to be completely authentic and write a post as if I were writing a letter to my best friend (if I had one) or my mom, saying things that are a part of my life this week, in the form of a pen pal-ish letter. So here goes.

Dear Readers:

If we were having coffee today together, I would tell you all the things that I have been dealing with this week, I’ve had a crazy week, realizing some things and coming to some personal conclusions.

One being my happiness is only determined by myself, and no one is responsible for my happiness but myself; realizing the things that make me happy are truly simple, more simple then I would have ever thought.

Like honestly it just takes a few things to make me content in my home. I have begun to realize that all it takes is a clean kitchen to make me wanna create cooking creations, my favorite music playing to keep me motivated and the boys occupied with their own activities makes me inspired to be independent and do things for myself.

I guess I would have never realized how simple it is to be happy unless I stopped trying to be. Once attaining happiness isn’t in my forefront of thought, I have found it. It’s as simple as having all the ingredients to bake bread. It’s all in front of me, aka the tools for happiness, I just have to sit back and let them work.

Just like Yeast just needs the right temperature of water to work, I just need the right amount of things to stay happy. I have realized now that it’s not much work at all, and honestly I have no time to be depressed.

If I can stay motivated to stay busy and get things done, I really am too tired to take the time to over think and be depressed. I have begun to realize I have no reason to be depressed, and that most of the time that it sneaks up on me, are times that I leave my brain to be idle and think of things that aren’t true.

If you didn’t see the subtle connections to how I feel, I am going to bake some bread today. Sundays are for baking and I keep myself busy and happy by making good food. The only thing that sucks about my planned baking adventure is I have to clean the oven.

I have never cleaned an oven before, this cleaning adventure will probably test all my patience and push some depressive buttons, but I will try to prevail. Last week I attempted caramel without measuring and ended up with a bubbling overflowing caramel apple pie that seriously overflowed so much caramel unto the oven that it created a small fire, yea, that was fun, Not!

Opening the oven to let the smoke out, I realized the fire was happening on the bottom of the oven, and I truly panicked, but my husband chimed in and said to throw some flour on the flames to make them stop, so panic driven, I threw handfuls of flour on it and it stopped. I closed the oven door and tried to forget the disaster, but now that the baking bug has bit me again, I must clean it.

That is just a small preview of what I have been through this week, not including the school stress, and medication stress I have been going through; but since this is our first coffee talk I’ll spare you all that drama and stick with this ‘happiness’ bit.

So to get the conversation going,…what makes you happy? and how did you find out?

*later 6pm edit* holy wow, I recently updated to windows 10 and my husband just declared to try my new keyboard now that we updated my computer… it wasn’t working before, so I tried it and IT WORKS!! I finally have a keyboard again..yay!!! and yes my bread did turn out great. here’s some pictures…

my bread before cutting it...
my bread before cutting it…
first cuts of bread
first cuts of bread
slices with homemade whipped cream
slices with homemade whipped cream

Sing like no one can hear…

I was really hoping for a one word dailypost today that was bold or golucky or uninhibited, but FEARLESS, is just the same.

I am looking forward to writing about my singing.

Now most people that know me, have never heard me sing.

I do not sing in the shower, and I do not drive a car- so you cant catch me singing to the radio.

But if you want to catch me singing, just accompany me on my son and I’s walk to school in the morning.


Waking up at 7 am in the morning, normally doesn’t put me in a good mood,

getting him up and ready and out the door by 7:45, is a little stressful sometimes too,

but as soon as I step outside my door, and feel and see, where we live, in the morning light and radiance,

well I break into song.


I used to love the early am time during high school, waking up and leaving with the sunrise,

used to be one of my favorite things to do.

Now leaving in the morning,

with the forest ahead of me and the ocean behind me,

feels even more amazing.

Elijah and I have a few songs that we sing in these great mornings, and I am so happy to sing with my son,

breaking out in song, not caring how I sound, or who might hear me- well I say that’s FEARLESS.

here are our favorite jingles to sing, one we made up, and one from the ‘Beverly Hillbillys’,

“Gunna have a good day,


Sun’s out, Good day,


and even when the Sun’s not out,

were still gunna have a wonderful day!”


“This is the way to go to school,

go to school,

go to school,

go to school,

this is the way we go to school,

with a possum for the teacher!”


What do you do that’s Fearless?


Cleaning out the Skeletons in my Closet

What have I been up to? What have I been doing? Why have I not blogged in a week? What have I been cooking and creating? What has occupied my mind so much that I haven’t the voice, the energy the motivation to blog anything in 7 days?

A whole darn lot actually. I have been cooking without blogging.. shame. I have been creative without writing about it..another shame. And I have been deep thinking without writing about it, even more shame on me as a writer..lol. But now I feel that I have the power to write again, that my brain finally is making sense of my life again, so that I can write cohesive words on a page.

I have been thinking about such deep things in my life, my artwork and my writing to be exact; and not my present work, my work from a child. I have been deep thinking about the juxtaposition to be attached to things that give us memories and the fact that we need to let go of things in order to learn from them and move on. I have been realizing in the last week that I need to let go of artwork, in order to make more artwork. That I need to part with my writing assignments from junior high school and earlier, in order to move on as a writer and to not live in clutter for the rest of my life.

I have begun to realize that teaching my family to let go of stuff will help us be better and help me have less anxiety about having too much clutter everywhere. Maybe our house isn’t as cluttered as I may think that it is, but when I think about the small space that we have to share as a family, I feel selfish to be taking so much of it storing old artwork and writing of mine. I have finally found the courage to dive into my ‘boxes’ as I call them. 3 large totes that we have moved around with for almost 9 years that carry all my artwork and past. I even have dragged around a portfolio or two since junior college. I cant seem to live with the idea of living with my ‘boxes’ anymore. I have finally come to terms with the idea of throwing some of my memories away. I have finally realized that no memories are going to be better then the ones that I am going to make with the little family that I have created for myself.

I went through a whole hell of a lot as a child and teen. I wrote and made artwork as a release from every thing that I went through each day. I was a very creative child and displayed amazing reading and writing skills since a young age. No certificate or GPA paper will be the one to truly tell me how smart I am, especially from elementary school. I have come to terms with finally letting go of all my ‘academic scores’, judgments made by schools and teachers to tell me how smart I am. I know I am smart. I now write daily, if not weekly fully cohesive articles for my self made website and self made brand. I may not have always had the best math scores, and my ‘papers’ show that, but now I budget and shop with food stamps, adding, subtracting discounts and tax in the store with no problem. Nobody can tell me now that I am not ok with practical math that we use in everyday life.

I also have come to realize that all the artwork, does not matter. That all the practice work from elementary and beyond, may be cool to have, to look at, but it is virtually useless work. I am only coming to this conclusion after semi completing my newest 3d artwork. I had the idea to make these figurines out of paper mache and cover them with the entirety of what was in the ‘boxes’ of my art past. And now that I have dug through 2/3 boxes of mine, I have come to realize that most of what is in them, doesn’t need to be kept whatsoever. I have a new life, different from when I was a teen, and holding on to relics of my past feelings and artwork seem untrue to who I am now; a changed learned woman/Boho mom. Who can do everything, most everything creative that she can think of.

I do realize that I am only this creative as a result from the projects and writing that is in the boxes, but I do finally have the guts to move on. For I am an accomplished artist and not one person but myself will ever know how much art I have really made in my life. There is no reason for me to leave my family with ‘boxes’ that they wouldn’t understand. So for this next week, I am going to try and clear my boxes. I may take some digital pictures of some of my work, but ultimately I am trying to either re purpose it all for new art like my figures or throw it away. I know it may be hard, as is parting with anything in life. But harder for me, since I have held on to these ‘feelings’ for so long.

My husband suggested keeping a few things from each year, maybe just keeping my favorites, but right now, I feel like purging it all. I do not want to regret throwing away my work, but I do not think that I will be applying for an art college anytime soon, lol, I am a mother now with a kindergartner to take care of. I first made my ‘portfolio’ for this reason, but now it seems silly to have boxes and folders of my work. If I ever wanted to prove to anyone that I am an artist, I can make something. I know this now, if you want a portrait, still life, a coloring book, a figurine, I know I can make them. I know what I am capable of without having mountains of artwork to prove it. I may have mixed feelings letting go, but honestly, I think letting go of my past; artwork, feelings and old writing will help me heal to have a better future.

I would love to hear what you all do with your ‘boxes’ of past things? Have you ever purged everything from your past, have you ever thought about it? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live without ‘baggage’ of previous feelings and creative endeavors? I am thinking that I will know this feeling soon, that I can finally move on from my past.

It may have taken 9 years sitting with my work but I am finally ready to do it, to purge my skeletons in the closet. I only wish that I still lived off grid and I could burn my skeletons in a backyard fire, and watch them turn to smoke so I can start anew with my life without even worrying about making more garbage for this earth to deal with. I will recycle all papers that I can, so hopefully my art will not make such a impact on the world, even after leaving my boxes.

I am finally ready to write again, finally realizing what I am going to do with my skeletons that I just realized I have been hoarding for no reason. Finally ready to start anew with this amazing life that I have come to have, and move on from my past. It feels really interesting to be so excited for my future, that feelings that I once thought are obsolete. It feels really surreal to be so happy with who I am now, to let go of who I was then. It feels so different to be feeling secure enough to let go of my work, but I am going to embrace that feeling for the sake of my family.

I will never be the old lady with an attic full of skeletons aka artwork that my son will have to sift through and get rid of. I am even going to teach him now how to sift through the artwork that he creates, so he never has ‘boxes’ like I have come to deal with. I am now going to start a family spring cleaning session every year where we purge all the creative art and papers, it will be good for our souls and house. So I am sorry everyone for not writing, I was dealing with those darn skeletons.